I Forgive You, Father
by tinylexie
Summary: Darken Rahl's thoughts when his father arrives in the underworld in "Vengeance."


You have always been

A strong, opposing figure to me, father.

Growing up, I wanted to please you.

I wanted to live up to your great expectations.

I wanted your affection and your approval, father.

I wanted to hear you say that you loved me.

None of these things ever happened.

Nothing I did was ever good enough for you, father.

All that you could think of was the Seeker.

He would be more powerful than me,

And power was important to you.

I was never powerful enough for you.

I was never good enough for you, father.

You wanted to control the Seeker

So that you could control his power.

You wanted to replace me with a better son.

Well, father, I can't help

That my bloodline isn't as good as my brother's.

When it comes to that, all the fault lies on you.

I will admit that it wasn't just power you were interested in.

You also wanted a son that you could control, father.

Yes, my power is weak compared to the Seeker's,

But my will is stronger.

You knew that you could never control me, father.

I was always too free-spirited and too hard-headed.

I was always willing to look beyond the box,

And I was always willing to do

Whatever it took to achieve victory.

I have always been a motivated and resourceful person.

Surely this Seeker son could never match my spirit,

But of course, father, you didn't want a son with spirit;

You wanted a son who would be perfect in your eyes,

A son who would obey you without question.

I will admit, father, that I was always too rebellious

For your liking.

Did you know that I killed myself and became a baneling?

There was no way you could have known that, father.

You've never knew anything about me.

I will admit that I fell prey to dark magic,

But you had no right to give up on me, father.

A true father would have tried to save his son.

Instead, you decided that you would just

Have another son.

You decided that instead of trying the problem,

You would just get rid of it.

I do feel pity for my baby brother.

To think that he was created

Just to eliminate me for you, father.

Yet, you loved the Seeker,

Even though you never knew him personally.

After all, he would be the one

To destroy your mistake son.

Did you ever wonder, father, why I turned to dark magic?

Of course not.

You just decided that I was evil,

And that I needed to be destroyed because of my evilness.

You care nothing for me, father,

But I'm going to tell you why I turned to dark magic anyways.

I don't care if you want to listen or not.

For once I will not be dominated by you, father.

I turned to dark magic

In order to protect myself against the Seeker.

Can you really blame me for my actions, father?

Wouldn't you have gone to the limits and beyond

If prophecy said that you were going to die

At the hands of your own flesh and blood?

You have demonstrated, father,

That you're willing to go to the darkest of places.

You created a life in order to destroy another life.

Perhaps I'm not the only evil one here.

You could have saved me from my dark fate, father,

If you had really wanted to,

But you clearly didn't love me

Because you didn't want to waste the time and the energy

To try to understand me.

I was your evil son who practiced dark magic,

And that was all you cared to know.

The story that led to the darkness

Did not matter to you whatsoever, father.

I still remember all the times you bragged about the Seeker

And how he would one day kill me.

You were so joyous, father, when you told me

That you had impregnated the woman who would bear

Your wondrous, perfect son.

You had a smile on your face, father,

When you said that my death was near.

I don't understand why you were so surprised, father,

When you saw that I was closing in for the kill.

How else was I supposed to react?

Was I suppose to jump for joy and shout cheerfully,

"My baby brother who will one day kill me

Has been conceived?"

I am well aware of the fact, father,

That we all one day have to die,

But I never knew that your own premature death

Was something you were supposed to be happy about.

Maybe you should have told me that, father.

I might have been more understanding.

Now you are naked and vulnerable before me, father.

Now I am the one with all the power and all the control.

I can torture you for eternity, father.

I can give you more pain than you ever gave me.

Wait a minute.

I feel empty inside.

I should be feeling a sense of triumph.

I can do anything with you that I please, father,

But for some strange reason I don't want to.

You see, father, even though the Keeper

Has granted me many powers in the underworld,

You still have all the power and all the control,

Like you have always had.

Even when I killed you, father,

You still had all the power and all the control.

You knew that my fear of the Seeker made me vulnerable,

And you played on my fear brilliantly.

If I had not been so afraid,

I would have never killed you, father,

But I had to strike you down

Because I couldn't live as long as you were there

To brag about the Seeker and my premature death.

Something inside me always died, father.

Every single time you mentioned the Seeker.

Both you and my baby brother controlled my life, father.

Prophecy said that the Seeker would one day kill me,

And you made sure, father, that prophecy would happen.

I will never be free of your control, father.

You, more than anyone else,

Shaped me into who I am now.

Even after everything you did to me, father,

I still want your affection and your approval.

I still want to hear you say that you love me.

Everyone in my life has rejected me,

Beginning with you, father.

I have also been rejected by not just my baby brother,

But also by my baby sister.

I have also been rejected by one of my Mord-Sith.

Even the Keeper has rejected me,

And I had spent a lifetime serving him faithfully.

Loyalty ought to be rewarded by loyalty,

But my loyalty was not enough for the Keeper.

Just like with you, father,

The Seeker was more valuable to the Keeper

Than I ever was.

How can anything I do ever be enough

When I have the Seeker to contend with?

I will always live in the Seeker's shadow,

And it's all because you gave up on me, father,

Without giving me a chance.

A father ought to be there for his child,

But you were one father

That I could never turn to for comfort and for support.

I had to support and comfort myself,

And look at the results of that.

Surely things would have been better

If you had loved me, father.

Will I never be able to please anyone?

Will I never be able to earn someone's love?

Will I always be the rejected one, the unloved one?

I want you to finally accept me, father.

I want you to finally love me,

So I forgive you for everything.

The Creator teaches that forgiveness begets forgiveness,

So do you forgive me, father?

I can be good if you're good to me.

I give people what they give to me.

Father, I look at you,

Naked and vulnerable before me,

But there is still something inside me

That is dying without any end in sight.

Father, please forgive me.

I don't think I could bear another rejection,

Especially a second rejection

From one of the people

Who should have loved me without limits.


End file.
